Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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