I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
