And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
