how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Someone stole a lamp last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
