dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
