he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
