Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
