i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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