Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
