Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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