I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
