It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
MIDGETS
????
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
