I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
