I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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