I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
