Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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