its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
