can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
