I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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