Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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