I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
