theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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