I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
