Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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