He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
