my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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