god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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