There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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