Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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