you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i believe in u and ur pee
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
