how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
