ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
