Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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