I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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