Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
