I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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