I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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