the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's shark week go big or go home
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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