Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
