Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There are leaves in my underwear?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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