she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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