You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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