You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You dont lie about slip and slides
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
