P.S. I can't hear my feet
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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