Where did you get a picture of my penis
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
