dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
