sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
