I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
