You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
