My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Come on in and take your pants off
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