im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
